The Fruit House

A little background on our flora blunders as home owners: the most tragic was our assumption that most plants could survive on our Hellishly hot deck, with no shade and that gets so hot during the Summer that you can't even walk bare-footed on the wood. We spent our first 2 Summers here, trying in vain to grow little flowers, vines and bulbs. Looking back on it, I suppose our reasoning was that with enough watering, (at times, I was watering our plants 3-4 times a day) love and attention, anything could thrive. We tried everything...vegetables, (our garden bounty consisted of 1 small, lonely, anemic tomato a couple of Summers ago) agressive--downright hard-headed--plants (so aggressive that they're considered a vegetational pest in a lot of parts of Texas and are thus, being eradicated) and then, finally, after 3 years of committing terrible acts of plantacide, we've conceded to just having cacti on our deck. So far, so good.

So, you might understand the irony in the fact that the entire front of our townhome, at this very moment is covered (and I do mean covered!) in a fruiting vine--that is well, fruiting. We've had this Creeping Fig vine growing on the front of our house (obviously not of our planting, otherwise it wouldn't have thrived) the whole time that we've lived here. I like having it around because it covers up what is a not-so-architecturally-interesting townhome. Plus, in the past year, it's been slowly covering up our front windows as well. This has allowed us the opportunity to run around the house in only our skivvies, secure in the fact that none of our nosey neighbors can see through this vine. Well, we noticed a few days ago, while inspecting the vine with a possible landscaper who might cut back this beast for us, that all over this vine are these green, lime-looking fruits--figs, I presume--given the fact that the vine is called Creeping Fig. There are so many figs attached to the front of our house right now, it's really comical--especially considering our background in the Gardening Arts. We don't know if these figs are edible and I'm actually wondering if the birds that roost in our nearby trees are anxiously awaiting some arbitrary time in the fig-ripening process (that only birds are privy to...they have their own little Bird Farmer's Almanac thingy, I'll bet) wherein they will all descend on our house and feast, feast, feast (and you know what also comes after the feasting: pooping, pooping, pooping!). So, we'll see what becomes of the Crazy Fig House. I definitely plan to pick one of the figs and dissect it before the vine is trimmed. I'm sure that you'll all be on the edge of your seats (or your ergonomic computer chairs, as it were) to find out what these crazy figs look like on the inside. If anyone's interested in pitching in to form a Fig Fund, I'll even try eating one. The Fig Fund would have to be greater than or equal to our health insurance deductible though, just in case. So, in the meantime (between now and when the landscaper/produce manager comes to trim our figs), I guess I can use the colloquialism, "I don't give a creeping fig" and it will be strikingly honest! Yay! I've been waiting for this moment my whole life!